I study Communication Theory this semester. There are numerous theories on human from the perspectives of communication, relationships, cultures and so on. Nevertheless, I found dialectical theory the most interesting among all theories.
Dialectical theory asserts that in any relationship, there are inherent tensions between contradictory impulses or dialectics (Baxter, 1987). Dialectics refer to two opposing tensions such as privacy and intimacy. For instance, an individual wants personal space and freedom but at the same time seeks for closeness and affection with others.
Sounds familiar and paradoxical? We all must have been through this conflicting moment as dialectics are natural, normal and inevitable in human relationships. One of the obvious live examples that can be explained with the theory is intimate relationship. Usually, a couple will tend to be close to each other at the beginning of a relationship. They may wish that they can spend all their times together (which I totally don’t understand) and never be apart from one another.
However, there is one thing that comes to interrupt the process – change. According to Dindia and Canary (1993), change is the ongoing character of personal relationships. That means, people can and will change. Perhaps (and usually), the male begins to be cold and avoid intimacy. Then, the female becomes anxious and seeks for more intimacy but the male may be stressed out and eventually distant himself more and consequently causes the female to pursue more intimacy… This is the so called pursuer-distancer relationship (that I think is more like Roadrunner-Coyote relationship in the Looney Tunes) in which both parties are trapped in a strange loop that is inescapable if the issue is not communicated and solved.
So, how to solve the problem? Well, I would have written a bestseller called "Roadrunners are from Mars and Coyotes are from Venus" if I knew. Of course, there is a solution and that is balance. We need balance in everything we do such as meals, works, games and relationships. We can neither eat too little nor too much. We must work and play to balance our pathetic lives. We shall not be too dependent or independent of others.
Another theory that fascinates me is the social exchange theory (though it is severely criticized by scholars that it is untestable, unpractical, inheuristic and inappropriate for human). This theory claims that people seek to maximize rewards and minimize costs in relationships (Homans, 1954, 1961). This means that we compare relationships by measuring what we can get from different relationships. If a person feels he/she has been underbenefitted ie. costs exceed rewards in a particular relationship , he/she will be unsatisfied and might eventually terminate the relationship and to involve in a more benefitting ie. rewards exceed costs relationship .
Sounds economic and insane? There might be relationships like this. This reminds me of the character, Mak Tai Song in a Hong Kong drama which I was hooked on to – You’re Hired. He is an extremely clever guy in doing business (and conning people) but a total freak in personal relationship. He applied economic concepts on every relationship including with the girl he loves. Things of course did not go well as human relationships cannot be compared with economic principles. In the end, he sacrifices his businesslike thinking and wins the heart of his loved one (lame, I know).
Ok, studying communication theories really enhances a person’s understanding of relationships. But whether it helps in sustaining a relationship? That definitely needs more than just theories.
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