My absurd life in IBM

A sudden urge to write this after leaving IBM for quite some time. The moments I spent and suffered there was really unforgettable yet I kind of missed it. Insanely unbelievable.

Things that I went through during my three and a half months there:

System and machines breakdown

I think my body magnetic field is very much against electronic equipments. The first time I had OT at the end of the month, system breakdown and I was sitting there the whole night doing nothing. Then scanner problems. And the first time I stayed back with my own will, electric supply was down. Then the printer at billing team broke down and I did not have to send invoice for three months (a blessing and a curse at the same time).

Humiliation

The one time when I had to go to Miss M for countersign when Miss R was not there. She seemed interested in new staff and asked me what I do in the company. I replied that apart from getting documents signed, I also do indexing for business deals. She did not know what indexing is and I explained it's entering information into the company system. And she said, "That's all?" (Bitch.) I was almost going to quit at once. But I also want to thank her for reminding me that how insignificant I was in the company and it's really not a big deal if I leave as anyone else can do the "That's all" stuff.

Weird and mean but not totally mean colleagues

I really have the luck for bumping into weird people all the time. I was literally alone in the first two weeks till I joined the two guys for lunch together. We had some fun moments but somehow I still feel alone with the two weirdoes. The most memorable moment would be the incident in which KM was so so so reluctant to treat me a chicken chop meal as I successfully guessed his horoscope and he was completely shocked when I offered to treat him and SH back for helping me at work. The most upset moments were when KM mocked me that he helped me all the time without having a share of my salary and that I only know to throw letter of resignation. Though he was getting kinder to me before I left, I will never forget about this. The kindest of all was SH as he was really patient in teaching me who was completely idiot in business stuff. I felt most sorry to him as he had to clear up the mess I left. The most pissing-me-off was definitely Miss L who was giving me more burdens at work. Though she had reasons for her annoying yet amusing "entah-lah" attitude, she is still unforgivable. Miss A, a little better but made me suffer too for her love and hate relationship with Miss L. The team leader, Miss V, was the only person who understood and supported and even encouraged my decisions. And my coffee buddy too. I am so sorry to have misunderstood her due the two guys' sabotage and rebelled against her at the beginning. Yet, she was so forgiving to all of us and I adore her for this. Now she finally managed to leave Adecco and joined IBM. Really good for her to say goodbyes to the pest team. Oh, and the former team leader, CW, is back to the team under Adecco again. This is a weird decision but I kind of understand as I had the intention too. Nothing is absolute in this world, I guess. But I will never ever go back to Adecco and IBM for dignity sake.

Touching moments

·         When SH said "No need to be afraid" after I accidentally torn off an invoice and "We all will help you" while he was teaching me MY mailing.

·         When KM taught and helped me to index invoices and said "Don't get nervous".

·         When YZ said "Don't work anymore" when I was rushing to index invoices that Miss L refused to index when I was on medical leave.

·         When WH helped to release damn documents whenever I bugged him.

·         When Miss Nervous, J thanked me for helping her to get documents signed.

These are definitely the moments and people that taught me about life. 

如此而已

又来到年终了。（这表示是面壁思过的时候了）

两年就这样过去了，还真没想到自己可以撑这么久。是曾经后悔（而且是非常后悔）转跑道，但也觉得自己勇气可嘉，敢冒险作出选择。我不敢奢望自己会做大事，只希望自己不要再轻易放弃。

五年前，懵懵懂懂地选了一科以为适合自己的系来读，结果边读边喊不想读。两年后好不容易念完了，也培养了一点兴趣，便下决心重新出发转个环境来修补学问，才发现自己不是干这行的料。在家人的支持下，我作出了“斩仓”的决定，以免泥足深陷。事后，我在家颓废了三个星期，那应该是我一生中最黑暗的一段日子。一年后，我再次背上书包，选了一个相当冷门的系来念。以后要/能做什么？我很老实的告诉你：不知道。我不要想那么多了。做什么都好。我不怕了。（反正家人不等我养 =.=!）

说来也好笑（是苦笑），不知是前世干了什么坏事，今生发生在我身上的怪事还不少。不知从几岁开始，本人的手脚指皮肤干燥且龟裂得像旱灾后的土地，一旦吃了海鲜还会溃烂流脓（当时的爸爸却很喜欢煮海鲜，而傻乎乎的我还跟着吃，然后毛病发作几个星期不用上学），一直到中学才突然神奇地痊愈了，只不过现在的我是没有指纹的。小学四年级开学第一天就无心“得罪”了班主任，结果连续三年被他有意无意地精神虐待，搞到我现在还是有阴影。中学初一在普通班不知怎地考了第一名后被提升到精英班，最终选择没去却被同学说我骄傲和怕输。到了大专，单纯的我为了让老师对我留下印象，而承认自己是获得奖学金出国升学的某人的妹妹，结果换来过度的关注和比较。第一次约会就搞到食物中毒进院三天吊了七包半的葡萄糖，之后关系因为那家伙对电玩比我更有兴趣而无疾而终。到了梦寐以求的机构工作，却被长辈迫切地训练成接班人，吓倒我赶快逃离那看来简单实际上却不简单的“地下组织”…… 还有很多很多说不完的怪诞事件，这一切像是天意又像是巧合或是人为的种种，造就了我此时的遭遇和选择。以前的我凡事追求完美和答案，让自己吃了不少苦头。虽然现在没变更聪明，却学会了适时睁一只眼闭一只眼，不再要求那么多了。（以后应该可以当个称职的公务员，薪水福利很不错喔！）

（叹了一口气）                                                     
                                      

新的一年，没打算许下什么宏愿，就只希望能够平安无事念完书，然后找份工糊口（有能力之余养家再赞助贫苦小孩读书）。没大志？算了吧，改革社会和国家这种想法，已离我越来越远了。还有，旦求国内的领袖们少说些不经大脑的话，以免引起人民内心恐慌就行了（这很不简单哩）。如此而已。

车头相

好久没到这了。也不知道究竟是忙还是茫。

之前都是写些有的没的，或是自以为很有道理的东西。这次，我是想抒发心中已久的郁闷（很多人都说透过文字能减压），也想多留下自己在这地球上的痕迹（万一有天不小心死了，别人还能从这知道我曾经存在和想些什么）。

我不是个怕死的人。但我很怕真的死的时候，会感到空虚和遗憾自己还没完成或做错某些事。

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三月的最后一天，外婆去世了。

我知道消息后，竟然不知怎么反应。当时有一大堆作业忙着赶，已经是好几天没睡觉，整个人暴躁得不得了。妈妈知道我的处境，所以只要求我在出殡的前一天去上香就可以了。虽然我的人不需要在该处，但我的心也无法继续专注。

我和外婆的感情不是很好，但如果时间能倒流，我还是希望我能陪她走完最后一程，这也会是妈妈希望的。就因为我的时间和情绪管理太差了，结果我错过了机会。到现在，我还是感到很惭愧。

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前几天，也是考最后一张试卷的前一天，在面对着一堆关于年少至死亡的理论，我的“问题少女病”又发作了。我问了一起通宵的二姐：“如果你明天就死，你最大的遗憾是什么？”。其实我知道她会答没有遗憾，因为她将获得永生。在我穷追不舍的提问下，她说：“遗憾你还没信主。”

从二姐开始信耶稣那刻起，她就不停和我“洗脑”。在面对身边的人质疑自己的信仰同时，她依然坚持和为他们祷告。但我没想到她死前最遗憾的竟是我还没信主，可见我在她心中的地位有多重要和令她担心。

说着说着，我们还说到了“车头相”，也就是死后灵柩前和棺材车前摆放的照片（多数是死者生前最爱的或是早已准备往生拍好的）。二姐对我说：“我的车头相要放现在的facebook profile picture。”我奚落她那张相不庄重又不美，她竟说是特地叫同事帮她拍的“车头相”。我说既然她这么坚持，一定会照着她的话做。

也许会有人觉得我们把死亡说得如此轻松，有点反常，但我觉得比逃避忌畏好。话说到此，我想也该为自己准备“车头相”了。

迷

2010年开始得有点沉重。

首先是元旦白糖涨价，接着是泰国法医被恐吓而不来马作证，现在是国内基督徒祈祷场所接二连三被毁坏……

不是说新的一年会更好吗？骗人的。其实我也没傻到真的相信。是变聪明了，还是变无奈了，我都分不清楚。

最近，旁边都有人说马来西亚不好、烂、没得救了，有机会一定移民到别处。我听了没出声。不是因为赞同，也并非不会反驳。只是难过。曾经我也怨过，所以没资格批评。现在最想的，就是自己的国家不再发生令人悲愤和感叹的事。

我们就像是活在迷宫里一样。

在潘的迷宫（Pan’s Labyrinth）这部影片里，小女孩奥菲莉为逃避世界的残酷和冷漠，在自己脑中虚拟出一个世外桃源般的世界。在这个世界里，她的真实身份是公主，要回到自己的王国就必须在月圆之前完成三个挑战，包括杀死自己同母异父的弟弟。最终，奥菲莉为保护弟弟而牺牲了自己。


这个地球不知还能运转多久，人类却仍然为了自己所想象的尊严和权利互相伤害残杀。我们要什么时候才能走出这个迷宫？

Another 365

It’s going to be the last day of 2009. Initially had a plan at Sunway Lagoon with my sister. After a conflicting moment between having a wild time at the theme park with free tickets and watching one of the must-watch-movie of the year, Avatar with our own money, we chose the latter. We both agree that we have grown old and would rather spend our time on activities that do not require much energy consumption. Overall, it is great (My mind did not wander during the three-hour epic) and much cooler than the Transformer. A rather thought provoking film that highlights the importance of achieving a balance between development and the environment. I wonder there will be improvement in nature protection after numerous Hollywood products on "How The Earth Is Going To End" have been made.


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It has just entered the last day of 2009. People are usually “unusually sentimental” this time. Many of us will make New Year resolutions for ourselves despite whether we will bring them into practice or otherwise. As a normal citizen on this planet, I’m also making a list.

1. Stop complaining (it might be impossible so "less complaining")

2. Study harder (remember the PTPTN loan)

3. Curb caffeine addiction (this will really test my determination)

4. Think of answers that can shut people’s mouths up when they ask “Can you read my mind?” or “Can you communicate with chairs, cars or other non-living things?” (studying psychology does not make one become telepathic or psychotic, ok?!!!)

5. Embrace whatever that may come.


Adiós 2009.

Can you read me?

I study Communication Theory this semester. There are numerous theories on human from the perspectives of communication, relationships, cultures and so on. Nevertheless, I found dialectical theory the most interesting among all theories.

Dialectical theory asserts that in any relationship, there are inherent tensions between contradictory impulses or dialectics (Baxter, 1987). Dialectics refer to two opposing tensions such as privacy and intimacy. For instance, an individual wants personal space and freedom but at the same time seeks for closeness and affection with others.

Sounds familiar and paradoxical? We all must have been through this conflicting moment as dialectics are natural, normal and inevitable in human relationships. One of the obvious live examples that can be explained with the theory is intimate relationship. Usually, a couple will tend to be close to each other at the beginning of a relationship. They may wish that they can spend all their times together (which I totally don’t understand) and never be apart from one another.

However, there is one thing that comes to interrupt the process – change. According to Dindia and Canary (1993), change is the ongoing character of personal relationships. That means, people can and will change. Perhaps (and usually), the male begins to be cold and avoid intimacy. Then, the female becomes anxious and seeks for more intimacy but the male may be stressed out and eventually distant himself more and consequently causes the female to pursue more intimacy… This is the so called pursuer-distancer relationship (that I think is more like Roadrunner-Coyote relationship in the Looney Tunes) in which both parties are trapped in a strange loop that is inescapable if the issue is not communicated and solved.

So, how to solve the problem? Well, I would have written a bestseller called "Roadrunners are from Mars and Coyotes are from Venus" if I knew. Of course, there is a solution and that is balance. We need balance in everything we do such as meals, works, games and relationships. We can neither eat too little nor too much. We must work and play to balance our pathetic lives. We shall not be too dependent or independent of others.

Another theory that fascinates me is the social exchange theory (though it is severely criticized by scholars that it is untestable, unpractical, inheuristic and inappropriate for human). This theory claims that people seek to maximize rewards and minimize costs in relationships (Homans, 1954, 1961). This means that we compare relationships by measuring what we can get from different relationships. If a person feels he/she has been underbenefitted ie. costs exceed rewards in a particular relationship , he/she will be unsatisfied and might eventually terminate the relationship and to involve in a more benefitting ie. rewards exceed costs relationship .

Sounds economic and insane? There might be relationships like this. This reminds me of the character, Mak Tai Song in a Hong Kong drama which I was hooked on to – You’re Hired. He is an extremely clever guy in doing business (and conning people) but a total freak in personal relationship. He applied economic concepts on every relationship including with the girl he loves. Things of course did not go well as human relationships cannot be compared with economic principles. In the end, he sacrifices his businesslike thinking and wins the heart of his loved one (lame, I know).

Ok, studying communication theories really enhances a person’s understanding of relationships. But whether it helps in sustaining a relationship? That definitely needs more than just theories.

看开了

放学后搭巴士到轻快铁站时，和往常一样塞足一个小时才抵达。不幸的是，今天旁边坐了一位有狐臭的仁兄，被熏得差点昏了过去。由于国内最近没有A(H1N1)流感死亡病例而被搁在包包里的口罩，再次派上用场，而且防臭功能绝佳。

正昏昏欲睡时，突然被站在旁边的两位上班族的谈话吸引住了。（以下是我记得的重点）


甲男：每天放工后都酱塞，真的很显（累）……

已男：不想搭巴士，买车啦！

甲男：才不要，驾车还不是一样塞？

已男：你住哪里噢？

甲男：旺沙马朱。那边去哪里都很塞的……

已男：你在那住了多久？

甲男：很久了。从读拉曼到现在。

（有趣的是，一位是柔佛人来吉隆坡念书，另一位是吉隆坡人被派到柔佛的政府大学。其中一位还说拉曼学院有很多美女.....我也在那念过书，但整整一个小时的车程内他们望都没望我一眼......唉!）

已男：那般来附近住啦！

甲男：这里（孟沙）是有钱人住的啰……

已男：你做了酱久工，有钱的啦！（甲男做了5年的programmer）

甲男：有才怪，帮人打工罢了。

已男：快点存一笔，自己做老板啦！

甲男：不要啦，我还是打工算了。

已男：那为什么不转工（换工作）？

甲男：可是除了programming，我不懂还会做什么喔？

已男：你不会显（闷）咩？

甲男：当然会显啦！不过我已经看开了……


当我听到“看开了”这三个字，真的有点忍不住想问那位仁兄：“大佬，你才几岁哦，酱快看开了？”最后当然是没问啦……因为，我何尝也不是“看开了”？说真的，我和甲男还蛮像的，都是经常发一大堆牢骚，却不采取实际行动来改善现况。嘴里说“看开了”，其实是自我放弃。这就是心理学里所谓的习得无助 (learned helplessness)，即在多次受到挫折以后表现出来的绝望和放弃的态度。

想不到当局者迷，旁观者清这一句话真的是有道理的啊！相信我们身边应该有类似甲男的人，过着类似的生活，说着这类似的话。也许有天，当你听到某人说“看开了”的时候，不妨问他：“你真的看开了吗？” 
 
 
 

And the tree was happy

I was looking for theories on how seeds become trees but found this instead. It is a beautiful discovery.

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Shel Silverstein's "The Giving Tree"

Once, there was a tree. And she loved a little boy.

Every day the boy would come and he would gather her leaves and make them into crowns and play King of the Forest. He would climb up her trunk and swing from her branches, and eat apples. And they would play hide-and-go-seek. When he was tired, he would sleep in her shade. The boy loved the tree very much. And the tree was happy.

The time went by and the boy grew older. And the tree was often left alone.

Then one day the boy came to the tree and the tree said, “Come, boy! Come climb up my trunk and swing from my branches, and eat apples and play in my shade.” “I’m too big to climb and play,” said the boy. I want to buy things and have fun. I want some money. Can you give me some money?”

"I'm sorry," said the tree, "But I have no money. I have only leaves and apples…but take my apples, boy. And sell them in the city. Then you will have money and you will be happy." And so the boy climbed up the tree and gathered her apples and carried them away. And the tree was happy.

But the boy stayed away for a long time. And the tree was sad.

And then one day the boy came back and the tree shook with joy and she said, "Come, boy! Climb up my trunk and swing from my branches and have fun.""I am too busy to climb trees," said the boy. "I want a house to keep me warm. I want a wife and I want children, so I need a house. Can you give me a house?"

"I have no house," said the tree. "The forest is my house, but you may cut off my branches and build a house. The boy cut off her branches and carried them away to build his house. And the tree was happy.

But the boy stayed away for a long long time. And when he came back, the tree was so happy she could hardly speak.

"Come, boy," she whispered, "Come and play and have fun again." “I am too old and sad to play," said the boy. "Life is lack of fun. I want a boat that will take me far away from here. Can you give me a boat?"

"I have no boat,” said the tree. “But you can cut down my trunk and make a boat. Then you can sail away and be happy." And so the boy cut down her trunk. He made a boat and sailed away. And the tree was happy.

And after a long time the boy came back again.

"I’m sorry, boy," said the tree, "I have nothing left to give you. My apples are gone." "My teeth are too weak for apples now," said the boy.

"My branches are gone too," said the tree. "You cannot swing on them.” "I am too old to swing on branches," said the boy.

"Even my trunk is gone," said the tree. "You cannot climb." "I am too tired to climb," said the boy.

"I am sorry," sighed the tree. "I wish that I could give you something…but I have nothing left. I am just an old stump. I’m sorry."

"I don't need very much now," said the boy. " "Just a quiet place to sit and rest. I am very tired."

"Well," said the tree, straightening herself up as much as she could. "Well, an old stump is good for sitting and resting. Come, boy! Come sit down. Sit down and rest." And the boy did.

And the tree was happy.

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The nature has offered so much to us, but what have we given back to the nature?